Blue on You

Pain is what I feel, this pain feels so fucking real. 

It yanks the drain stopper of my heart and embarrassingly, my feelings seep out 

onto the front of your shirt, 

shades of blue that could only be described as desperation. 

Bloody, Soul & Spirit

She walked the earth at a slant much like a willow tree sways in the wind. Wandered, rather, as she never found the rope ladder that hung from the stars in the distance. 

Each night she'd set off and head toward the moon, knapsack filled with the necessities for a new life. 

A life of nonsensical adventure in a subconscious reality. 

Here she would have meaning in the colors glimmering off her back. 

Here they had more than just names they had souls. 

And here, when she cried, her tears would heal the wounds, erase the scars, and fuse shut the holes of her being. 

She never knew what it felt like to be whole and here, in this unobtainable wonderland, she felt a speck of hope in the thought that someday she may actually know. 

And then, just as quickly as she arrived the rays of sun radiate through the belly of the horizon and morning sweeps her away back to a land of burning desires and worthlessness. 

Mistakenly, she lets her cries into the sores to mask the pain but here her tears have no power to mend the past. 

Legacy Is A Fallacy

She knew so few tangible aspects of his mysterious presence. Everything about him, about these soulful déjà vu like encounters, represented ultimate insanity, but she came to terms with that inevitable fact. She could feel a rush of blood dropping from the ceilings of her heart each time she yearned to be near him yet she was not too delusional as to think her love would ever, could possibly ever, be returned.

It was easy, so sweetly simple to wrap herself up in the warm quilt with patchwork stitched together by foolish beliefs and comforting day dreams. And in those dreams she never played the character of herself. Coincidentally, none of the characters in those dreams had faces that corresponded with names or names that corresponded with faces. There was no pairing of personality to physicality. It was in those dreams she escaped to her paradise where the world had no knowledge of anything other than bliss. Because one doesn't know that happiness until they have been stripped of their labels and learn to exist just to exist. 

Legacy is fallacy and religion is a crutch for the sheep following the unpaved path to righteousness. She chose neither, but rather to live in her head, where meaning true had no purpose and purpose truly had no meaning. 

Acidic Adventure

Acid dreams, ends to meet, we live in phosphorescent times,

Echoing voices down the hall, calling to me in dark, simple rhymes.

I see you in a blur of color which logic will sickly distort,

Dominance and desperation as your last resort. 

Melting and dripping, the hues shine to shatter at our feet, they cut,

Bleeding through colors of memories with everything but. 

A piece of what remains is missing and it's not your face that I'm kissing,

In need of greed, craving too much too soon, thinking and wishing. 

That the face I'm kissing was a faceless clue,

That all that is not obtainable includes you. 

Desperate Times

I hope I remain as easy to forget when it's really time to do so. Some of us make it in life, some of us don't make much, but are still perfectly content with that, and some us will always remain in a state of wandering—searching for the sole reason it all went to shit in the first place. I am most likely categorized under the latter of the aforementioned scenarios. What this means for me can only be measured in terms of bleakness and sheer desperation cloaked by bravado. 

All Wrong

You're all wrong for me and I know it. 

  I know that you're addiction for my touch is stronger. 

More manipulating than the hallucinations you craved. 

  You depended on H but now you look to me. 

When you look at me you salivate, anticipate. 

  Your softly rough touch, grazing my cheek, then grasping at my hair you pull. 

You pull me out of your trance and back on my rag doll feet. 

  It is both the pain and pleasure that radiate around. 

It radiates around the tragic blessing. 

  The paradoxical reminder of just how wrong you are for me. 

Of how it is yet could never be. 

Lessons of soul and what it means to be free. 

Initial Chemical Reactions

He approached me one day at my makeshift work closet and struck up a conversation. Yet I didn't give in no matter how deep the aqua in his eyes glimmered or how his stunning frame towered over me. 

As I left for home that night I thought of his golden curly locks brushing over those hypnotizing eyes. Parked on the seventh floor of the ramp I was in somewhat of a dizzy trance as I circled round and down, round and down. As I eased the car to the exit on the bottom floor absent-mindedly a  tall stepped in front of me to cross the lane to enter a parking lot almost empty in lieu of the time of night. 

And perhaps it was due to the time of night that my reaction was so delayed in registering another person appearing from nowhere, or so it seemed. 

Prelude: A Story Unnamed

Life is packed with curses, albeit some are more subtle than others, and we must either adapt to the impact of these misfortunes or lay victim at the mercy of that cold hearted bitch we call Fate. 

Essentially it demonstrates strength in livelihood to tackle the bitch and fight the credentials instilled in you since before time and space were even considered quantifying as algorithmic variables with a sustained outcome.

It's possibly a curse that I studied psychology prior to marketing and perhaps more so now that I've piqued an interest in activation of the ventrical fusiform cortex. Perhaps then I wouldn't be accustomed to the awkwardness that I feel in my bones when I can tell that I'm being perceived as a sex toy dangling from the rafters atop the small confines of his mind.

Acid Dream

Last night I fumbled for the keyhole

Just as I surrendered all self-control

I could've sworn I felt you in my soul

It was a fancy and chromatic dream

Although it was essentially a fiend

Yet this kaleidoscopic rendezvous 

That encompassed the parameters of me and you

I scavenged the mountains that held our desire

Blinded by the fusion of time and space

Referencing the picture burned inside my eyelids 

Just to scan for your face

I thought I'd spotted you, for sure

In the oak tree trunk so obscure

Before I could approach you we were whisked away by a meteor stream

That night I walked the balance beam

You were the fixation

Of my acid dream

I Do Not Forgive Nor Do I Forget

I taste your chalky silhouette that taints more than senses; it taints souls

Your looming and absurd presence, that is.

Am I the victim of a fiery blast that seared not only my eyes but also my heart?

This time and space and existence that I know is fading like the disappearing ink on the heels of your livelihood. 

And honestly, I specifically advised you not to use that pen but it dazzled and taunted you with its eloquence and glamour.  

As for me? Well I am slapped against the whitewash wall symbolic of my emotions. 

All white and all washed. They tend to blend together. 

So expose the only beauty I think you'll see whilst grasping the arms of insecurity.

So I turn my face to side. I close my eyes. 

Because I know you'll never be mine. 

My Darkest Secret

It's been over a year yet somedays it feels no different than when it happened. You ruined my life and cracked my mentality into millions of pieces when you finally returned only to use brute force to take what was never yours in the first place. I hate you every day for this darkness you've instilled inside of me, it's snakelike arms taking root among my soul. And you know exactly what you did, the sins of deceit and acts of inhumanity you committed can never be undone. Fuck you and the way you fucked up everything I thought I knew about myself before you created this haunting and degrading secret which I now must carry each and every day. Trust is a cruel joke now. And it's all because of you. 

Chicago Sweep Toronto

Kaleidoscope love

Lifeless Lesson pt 1

Dear Self

Do not go to work expecting your ten hour day to NOT blow more than a transsexual hooker because it will suck, yes, suck it will. Also, be prepared to have men, usually married, drooling all over your keyboard.
Love,
Aforementioned Self

PS - look for a new job while in between sales presentations…everybody does it—just nobody talks about it…SHHH

Photographical Expression

....

http://lazywonderland.blogspot.com/

Only Greed

You have won the battle of relinquishment

My heart broke free of your chains today

And I must admit it felt odd

To have an ambitious longing 

Yet a steel pane separates us 

It divides our space between

Into quotients that have no remainder

It subtracts possibility from desire

It marginalizes the whole idea of love

Our love that is

A Freudian slip that parts my lips

As it hits me like a bucket of ice cold water

There is no love

There never was any love to speak of

Only longing

Only greed

Our Love Lives In Photographs

#1

Thinking Rain

Every time I see a photograph of you I realize just how much my initial attraction to you was a joke. What a lie I was living those days—you're not my type whatsoever.




It doesn't matter that you wear caps to cover the hair I hate.
I hate that you don't need me anymore.
But I love that my feelings for you are slowly dying.

You pretend to be a master of disguise
While I prepare the surprise
That will ultimately cause

Our demise.

My foolish dedication

No Matter What You're Told — Broken Bells

You’re falling way behind;
We’ll give it just a little bit of time
Cause when we’re all exposed
Do you wanna be the first
In line?

Below’s the witching crowd
The smoke they blow can make you head pop
The ego is playing its tricks on you again

The ego is playing its tricks on you again
And again

We’ll blow all our chances thinking we know
All the answers. 
Then so it goes
With all the changes
And nothing changes
No matter what you’re told

So you’re picking up signs;
You’re scared you might be losing your mind
And all the hopes 
of any shot you got of leaving you  you got of leaving you
Behind

You’re making light of this I know
And it’s a shame
But your silly, sentimental heart is to blame

You don’t wanna end up in the lost and found you better hold

On tight

All the time it evens when you’re upside-down -you gotta hold
On tight

I don’t wanna be there when you hit the ground - you need to hold
On tight

Gambling with my heart

I watched you turn your back...
and slowly slip away through the same corridor that you left through once before

My heart, still marred by your previous dismissal, is pulsating with agony
I don't think I'll  survive the second time round

Albeit my brain has vast worldly knowledge you showcase its gaping hole that distorts my perception till it hurts logic itself.
I feel you in the gallows of my seared soul
This fancy utopia we've accidentally created exists only in theory
no matter how hard I try to nullify this hankering of validation
In a perfect universe you would lift the weight and say fuck the money and fuck the fame

In a beautiful world you'd journey across the cracked paved judgement to find me
In an honest world you could care less that I exist no matter how sweetly I sing of what fate dictates
In this world we are more than worlds apart and I am the only one to notice
In this life you love materials to build your houses of cards with while I save my breath to blow them all down

Will you ever see that my cards are on the table?

Travesties wrapped in neat little parcels arrived at my door to forewarn of foolishness burning within.
Pitifully I continue to dance and twirl and dream of impossibility and damaged hopes.
Floating in time and space where you have no place.
But I'm still waiting here for you with each blink of these dark hollow eyes welling up with senseless longings

Will you ever play the hand you've been dealt?
Or is it simply that you've never gambled?

Nonexistent wonderland

I slowly closed my eyes, letting my lids fold like nylon tents and envelop my world with shiny diamonds the color of coal
They twisted round and round with bright shadows cast from crystals
The hues of ash faded away to a dusty path of hopes without possibility, so I followed
The stones that lined the walk gleamed rays of technicolor that seduced my soul
Following the glitz that promised impossibilities I lost myself
And I never found you

Impatience can be graceful

How did we end up at this gap in the dewy meadow, spiraling downward toward a ravine full of the once stars now fallen?

Was it because I asked you to dance in the grassy knoll while the sun rose to warm our cheeks?

Perhaps the magnetism that began our storybook has reversed it's particular charges and realigned it's poles as to ensure the space between our lovesick souls propel further and further away from each other.

Prelude to our dancing, I lay in the muddy path of what I once wished was.

Loneliness is a suffering that carries as harsh a blow as love.
You remember, the love I thought could blossom in the night?
The night you said "I speak of love but not to you" I was sure you were mistaken in the façade that governed your principles for almost eternity.

You were sure that the stars in the tunneling channel were too dull and lackluster to ever be polished.
The beams of light reflected off the pool of absolution and psychedelic colors beamed a glow that lulled us into submission.

You grabbed my hand and begged me to regain my footing on the steep ledge. I let go of his, begging him to follow me to a dark paradise beneath the soil of society, a place where the radioactive drink would cleanse his pretenses.

Softly I whispered "I can't wait in misery for oil and water to one day mix".

Frivolously you reached for my hand again just as my laced white dress began to bell out and the rush of air suddenly caught hold of it's beautiful bulbous shape. And as I felt my back lean further horizontally I barely caught a glimpse of the his gaping mouth before I splashed into the gorge filled with lost dreams and good intentions that ended unhappily.

It was here I stayed, wading through reveries of those who had lost hope above and searched for love below.

This sea bottom is where my soul took root; in the purple sand that covered the floor of the dark paradise. My branches grew further entangled and entwined each day while I waited for you to plunge into the simplicity surrounding me and allow our love to live. I waited for you to join me.

Well it didn't. It never became.
It never was.
Oil and water can never mix.